Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, May 17, 2013 10:41 am

1283

When people are told that they need to communicate more they often think that that is an open invitation to talk but there is a complete difference between talking and communicating.

Communicating is an art, and art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand another person’s point of view.

The number …

Relationships,infidelity,save your marriage

When people are told that they need to communicate more they often think that that is an open invitation to talk but there is a complete difference between talking and communicating.

Communicating is an art, and art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand another person’s point of view.

The number of times I have sat in a room, often in meetings and at conferences and I’ve just watched and listened to what is going on around me. It is totally fascinating when whole groups of people have no ability to listen to their colleagues, partners or friends and therefore cannot understand or comprehend any opinion other than their own.

What could have been covered in five minutes or learned in half an hour often takes hours or days just because people refuse to sit back, listen and understand.

Over the years it’s amazing the number of times people are provided with information that, if they acted upon, could totally alter a relationship, career or the success of a business. But, because the sheer lack of peoples ability to listen to and think through another persons point of view unique opportunities pass them by.

Relationships are no different to the work environment other than there are, usually, just two of you. Often, what could be a marriage made in heaven is destroyed by the sheer inability to communicate. The most successful relationships, be it business or personnel are those whereby both parties have strong verbal and listening skills.

Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel so do not communicate and then wonder why they feel neglected and under valued.

How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don’t know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left? What a waste, just the sheer ability to share a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a large horizon.

So whenever you feel stressed or don’t know what to do don’t just bottle it up, talk about it, seek advice and listen to the answer. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart a problem has to be aired and don’t put off until tomorrow what has to be sorted today. Tomorrow never comes!!

It is how you say something that will ruin a relationship and not what you have to say. The wrong way is just to blurt out something that you know will aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, storm off or burst into floods of tears. You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive and in order to be able to achieve this, your timing and approach has to be right.

Every individual is different what will work with one person won’t necessarily work with another and with some people all you can do is sew the seed and then let them walk away and work it out for themselves.

One person I know never actually listens to anyone. She is one of those people who is always right no matter what, hasn’t a clue about being a team player and operates within a zero tolerance zone. Traditional approaches and method of reasoning just don’t work and alls you can do is plant the seed of thought which eventually develops into her, own acceptable idea.

Given peoples individuality you need to learn what, is the right approach for you and your partner. Make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it, don’t insist on a debate when one of you is off out to work, dealing with the kids or just relaxing in front of their favourite TV programme. If the timing seems to be never right ask the question ‘when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk?? Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight just don’t react.

Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure.

One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt and give the impression that no matter what is said they won’t change their mind. One trick to ensure that you have listened and you do understand is to repeat what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have listened to what was said and by repeating it back you have the opportunity to comprehend and understand.

How often do we try and work through a problem and it’s only at the point we are explaining the issue to someone else does the magic light bulb switch on which enables us to come up with the answer.

If you are taking an exam would you expect to know everything just by being told it once? For most people I would say not. We have to work at it and work at it hard.

No one ever said marriage would be easy it’s just another lesson we have to learn as we experience life but if you want to save your marriage and make it even more special than it was before then there is very little to stop you.

Relationship problems can lay heavy on your mind, become a burden and what was originally a small issue can develop into an insurmountable mountain.

If you begin to feel that marital issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your partner. If you can refocus your attention of the better things in life, day to day issues always seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other’s company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.

Just one last word of advice, when you are feeling down and feel you no longer want to save your marriage just remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

If you believe you have financial issues now what do you think it will be like when you split your assets, if you feel you don’t have time to do things what will it be like when you are on your own or worse a single parent and if you feel lonely now how will you feel when every time you walk in your front door all’s you have is your own company. Now none of these thoughts have been aired to encourage you to stay in a bad relationship but rather to make you consider whether or not yours is as bad as you think.

You are the master of your own destiny and if you want to turn a bad marriage around you have the power at your fingertips.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, May 14, 2013 11:49 pm

667

Learn the one important technique to possibly save your marriage if your partner is having an emotional affair.

emotional infidelity, infidelity, cheating spouse, cheating husbands, extramarital affairs,infidelity cheating, adultery and divorce, adultery sign, signs of infidelity, signs of a cheating spouse

Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love?with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love?someone else…man, that is hard.?(Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.?

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions?daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.?

At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.

If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.

She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!

Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!?

Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent ?most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!

Remember, this “in love?state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.

She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me??
This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.

I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.

At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called “charging neutral” to help “back off.” Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you ?apart from what she does with him ?that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.

This is your opportunity to grow to another level.

Oh, by the way. She will notice! And?she might like it.

Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.

Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as “backing off” enhances one’s chance to save the marriage.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, May 12, 2013 12:27 pm

314

Spying on a cheating husband or wife creates many dilemmas for the spying spouse. A spying spouse can determine with accuracy possible outcomes.

Infidelity, cheating spouse, cheating husbands, extramarital affairs, emotional infidelity, infidelity cheating, adultery and divorce, adultery sign, signs of infidelity, signs of a cheating spouse

When you spy on your suspected cheating spouse, please make sure you consider all the possibilities you might encounter and whether you can handle them.

Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover? Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here are some specific questions to ask:

1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover the worst? Do they know I might need them? Have I told them exactly how they might help me? Do I have the capacity to stand back from the deep emotions and not get mired or lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?

2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I can contact immediately and see soon to help me through the rough spots?

3) You see the signs of a cheating spouse. What will be my strategy for what I find? Do I have a strategy for the different scenarios? Do I have a strategy to confront or not confront my spouse? How, when and under what circumstances will I confront him/her?

4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care? What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?

5) Do I have a coach or an objective someone who knows about cheating husbands and cheating wives and who can help me develop strategies and goals for confrontation and self-care? Someone to keep me focused and working on these strategies and goals?

6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face? Do I know the prognosis for that kind of affair? Have I educated myself about affairs and what I must do to effectively resolve and move through this crisis?

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, May 10, 2013 1:14 am

620

Sometimes divorce might look like the only solution for a bleak marriage but if there are still feelings there, it is never too late. If you still love your partner, the rest can be worked on.

marriage, divorce,intimacy problems,dysfunctional relationship

Sometimes divorce might look like the only solution for a bleak marriage but if there are still feelings there, it is never too late. If you still love your partner, the rest can be worked on. Perhaps love for one another is the only thing you feel you still have in common.

Maybe you cannot talk without arguing or fighting. Maybe you feel you partner has been neglecting you for years and will never change. Maybe you have not been sexually intimate for a long time and this will never get better. The fact remains that you still love one another, even with all of these other problems and issues.

It helps to think about what your relationship was like before it started becoming problematic. It was obviously far better, else you never would have got married. There are exceptions, of course, such as marrying because of an accidental pregnancy, even though you didn’t know each other well enough, but usually a couple who were happy once can find this happiness again. They just have to know where to look and what to do.

If communication seems to have broken down, a marriage counselor might be the one to help you find it again. Very often, when a couple is having serious marital problems, they stop communicating, or their communication is limited to fights and verbal abuse. Having a third party present, who knows what to ask and will set the couple goals, can be very helpful. It does not always save the marriage but is worth a try if nothing else seems to be successful.

Intimacy problems, less sexual activity or lack of variety can be causes of a dysfunctional
relationship.

A trial separation might work too (or it might backfire). If you find it impossible to live together and separate, you might find it even worse to live without one another and miss each other enough to give it another go.

If your marriage has hit the rocks, getting as far away from your partner is probably something that sounds appealing but this is simply a case of running away from your problems rather than tackling them head on and trying to find a solution.

You need to realize that men and women are fundamentally different and even perceive words a different way and express their emotions differently. Women tend to talk about emotions, and show them, more than men, but that doesn’t mean men don’t feel them as strongly. A woman might demonstrate her love for her husband by cooking, cleaning and raising the children. A man might show his by working hard to earn enough to maintain nice house for his family, and then wanting to spend time with his wife in the evenings. He might be surprised when the woman doesn’t want to sit with him on the couch to relax, or says she is too busy with the children, and take this as a rejection rather than the fact she is genuinely busy. This is where compromise is needed. He can help her with the children so they are bathed and in bed more quickly, then they will have some time on the couch, enjoying each other’s company. This is just an example but if he said and did nothing, he would feel resentful and she would wonder why he was in a bad mood. This would lead to resentment with the only reason being inadequate communication.

The main thing is this ?if you love one another, divorce can be avoided. Communication and mutual respect are paramount and if you actively strive for a better relationship, your marriage has a great chance to be successful.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, May 7, 2013 2:37 pm

822

Infidelity is a funny little thing that come and bite you in the bum when you least expect it. Affairs might be fun at the time but infidelity isn’t worth destroying your marriage for.

I often liken affairs to an addiction whereby however much you tell yourself you shouldn’t be doing something you feel compelled to do the opposite. And of course, while it’s sitting there for you on a plate who are you to say no. However, infidelity is like any other addiction, there comes …

Infidelity is a funny little thing that come and bite you in the bum when you least expect it. Affairs might be fun at the time but infidelity isn’t worth destroying your marriage for.

I often liken affairs to an addiction whereby however much you tell yourself you shouldn’t be doing something you feel compelled to do the opposite. And of course, while it’s sitting there for you on a plate who are you to say no. However, infidelity is like any other addiction, there comes a time when you realise that this isn’t what life is all about and decide to let go. Unfortunately, all too often the realisation comes too late!! Just remember, if you want to play such a dangerous game as adultery someone is always going to get hurt.

I personally believe that you shouldn’t sleep with someone while you are sleeping in the marital bed. Infidelity can be really cruel on the cheated partner, have you ever thought how you would feel if you knew your partner was behaving the same as you?

Some people do have open relationships and it does work but ground rule number one has to be that your partner is aware and is happy with the situation.

If you are the one commiting adultery now is the time to ask yourself is infidelity really worth it. Is your life that bad that you need to shit on your spouse from such a great height? Do you love the person you are having an affair with and if so do you love them enough to destroy the lives of those around you. Is the new relationship strong enough to last and is it truly worth the infidelity?

A slight interlude ?I had a mare once who, fell in love with a gelding in another field. She wasn’t really allowed to see this horse because where they were kept most of the owners preferred their horses to be in separate paddocks. This didn’t make a difference to my mare who, would jump out of her paddock into the next as soon as you put her back in her field (where she had several companions). After a month of messing around, jumping 7ft high hedges and a series of five bar gates just to get to the one she loved she got evicted for bad behaviour. I took her to another yard where she immediately flirted with all the guys and totally forgot the horse that she had got herself (and her mate) evicted over.

Anyway back to marriages and affairs. The only advice I can give you if you are having an affair is that you have to make a choice, and you have to choose now. It is totally unfair to both your spouse and the person you are having the affair with to continue as you are, you need to choose .

The choice is hard but you have to make it with a clear head and an open mind. Just because you are going through a rough patch now doesn’t mean to say that with a little effort you can’t save your marriage and become stronger and ultimately be better than it was at the start. Before you destroy what was and could still be a good thing be 100% certain that even with a lot of effort you can’t save yourr marriage and that the person you are committing the infidelity with and destroying your marriage for is someone you want to stay with for the rest of your life.

If your partner is having the affair, or you suspect they are, it doesn’t mean that it is the end of your marriage. For one your suspicions might be incorrect and for two if it’s true you are now in the driving seat. The future of your marriage is in your hands. You need to decide whether or not you feel you can and want to save your marriage, is it worth saving and can you forgive you partner for such a stupid mistake. We all make mistakes and some of us make more serious mistakes than others but should infidelity necessarily ruin the rest of our lives?

You need to ask yourself:
Do you still love your partner?
Do you want to save your marriage?
And are you committed to trying to save it?

If you truly want to save your marriage then you will always wonder ‘what if??if you don’t make the effort now.

Just because your partner is having an affair it doesn’t mean to say that they don’t still love you and it doesn’t mean to say that they don’t want to try to work with you to save your marriage.

Don’t just sit back and let infidelity destroy your relationship, say no to affairs and save your marriage before it’s too late.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, May 5, 2013 2:56 am

404

Everyone has heard the old adage that marriage is all about compromise. That should not always be the case, though! Every issue should not be about compromise or your marriage will seem like a constant business negotiation, and someone will always feel slightly cheated. This can lead to resentment and bitterness. While many issues in marriage do require a great deal of compromise, sometimes you should just give in. In other words, pick your battles wisely.

marriage counseling,relationships,romance

Everyone has heard the old adage that marriage is all about compromise. That should not always be the case, though! Every issue should not be about compromise or your marriage will seem like a constant business negotiation, and someone will always feel slightly cheated. This can lead to resentment and bitterness. While many issues in marriage do require a great deal of compromise, sometimes you should just give in. In other words, pick your battles wisely.

Each spouse in a marriage should not be giving 50% all of the time. That is only half of what you have to give. You should be giving your all, 100%, all of the time. Then, you both will be giving your marriage all of your commitment and effort. While meeting halfway in the name of compromise is important, you should be willing to give in at times as well, for the sake of your spouse’s happiness.

Romance isn’t really romance when it’s only convenient for you or your partner. Romantic holidays or occasions such as St. Valentine’s Day or birthdays are only truly romantic if you go think of them the rest of the year. That doesn’t mean spending a lot of money, either. Offer to stop on the way home to pick something up for dinner. Drop your spouse off and pick him or her up at the airport for business trips. Pitch in with the housework, cooking, and childcare without being asked to.

Instead of mulling over how to be romantic, simply do it. Romance is in the little gestures. If you spend too much time thinking about it, you will constantly talk yourself out of it. You will worry about rejection, and be afraid that your gesture will go unnoticed. Don’t think about it, just do it!

The first step in becoming more romantic is by listening to your spouse. Not just listening to what they want, but listening to their successes, their failures, their feelings. By listening to your spouse with your eyes and ears and heart, you will show that person how committed you are to him or her. That deed will not go unnoticed! You will get an in-depth look into your spouse’s soul, and will know exactly what to do to keep the romance alive with him or her. Being supportive and thoughtful will give you the opportunity to fall in love all over again.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, May 2, 2013 4:47 pm

247

A person intent upon spying on a cheating wife or cheating husband needs to consider the revenge factor.

Infidelity, cheating spouse, cheating husbands, extramarital affairs, emotional infidelity, infidelity cheating, adultery and divorce, adultery sign, signs of infidelity, signs of a cheating spouse

Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don’t act them out.

Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.

Resist the temptation to sling the mud!

Keep what you find to yourself.

The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.

The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.

There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.

And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some “evidence?does carry weight in particular states or districts.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, April 30, 2013 5:45 am

652

This is Part 4 of a 5-part series on making marriage work. This article gives an example of what it looks like to learn about your relationship issues with a personal source of spiritual guidance.

marriage, relationship, love, real love, relationship help, relationship advice, love advice, spirituality

In Part 1 of this series, I described the fears of rejection and engulfment that underlie relationship problems.

In Part 2 of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the Six Step healing process of Inner Bonding:

1. Willingness
2. Choose the intent to learn
3. Dialogue with the feelings
4. Dialogue with your Higher Power
5. Take loving action
6. Evaluate the action.

Part 2 described what it means to be in Step One ?what it means to be willing to feel your feelings and take responsibility for them, rather than turn to protective, controlling behavior.

Part 3 described what it means to be in Step Two – choosing the intent to learn – using Joan’s and Justin’s marriage as an example.

Part 4 continues with Joan and Justin, describing how Joan uses Steps 3 and 4 of Inner Bonding to deal with the issues in her marriage.

In Step 3 of Inner Bonding, Joan investigates her beliefs and behavior that is causing her pain. From a place within of compassion and curiosity, Joan dialogues with her feelings of anger, aloneness, fear and resentment. Imagining that she is a loving parent speaking with a hurting child, Joan asks her Inner Child questions:

Loving Adult Joan: Little Joanie, what am I thinking or doing that is causing you so much pain?

Inner Child Joanie: You keep telling me that Justin doesn’t love me anymore. You are scaring me so much. Whenever Justin works a lot, you tell me that he is working because he doesn’t love me anymore – that if he loved me, he would spend more time with me. You just keep telling me that there must be something wrong with me because Justin works a lot.

Now Joan moves into Step 4 ?Dialoguing with her Higher Power/Higher Self. Joan imagines her personal concept of Spirit ?God, Goddess, her own Higher Self, an inner mentor or teacher, or a spiritual guide.

Joan asks her Guidance: What is the truth about the belief that if Justin works late, he doesn’t love me?

Joan relaxes and opens, moving out of her thinking mind and allowing the information to come through her from her Guidance. This Guidance is always here for us and we can access the information when we are open to learning about the truth and about loving action toward ourselves. It takes some time, but eventually Joan receives the following information:

Higher Guidance: Sometimes Justin works late because he has a lot of work to do and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes he works late because he is afraid of your blaming and nagging. He loves you, but he doesn’t always feel loved by you, and his way of dealing with feeling unloved by you is to stay away.

One way we know what is true and what is a lie is how it makes us feel. When Joan tells herself that Justin doesn’t love her, she feels alone and afraid. When she tells herself the above truth, she feels clear and peaceful.

Joan asks her Guidance: What are the loving actions toward myself? What actions would be in my highest good?

Higher Guidance: Instead of focusing on what Justin is doing and how much time he is spending with you, focus on what would be fun for you to do when he is late. His being late gives you a chance to catch up with your friends, to read, and to do the creative things you enjoy doing. You can also take the dance class you have wanted to take. You will feel much better when you just take care of yourself instead of making Justin responsible for you. He will want to spend more time with you when he sees you happy than when you are always unhappy and complaining.

In the final section of this series, we will see what happens with Joan as she moves through Steps 5 and 6 of Inner Bonding.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, April 27, 2013 6:46 pm

800

You can learn valuable information about your relationship by using the “waiter rule” to evaluate your date or partner.

Dating, relationships, marriage, counseling,

Working my way through college, I waited tables and tended bar. Though I have several degrees with an emphasis on human behavior and psychology, I swear I learned more about people from slinging hash and pouring drinks. I can remember accidentally spilling a few drops of an ice cream drink on a lady’s skirt and being totally humiliated as she screamed at me in the restaurant. I also recall a very kind man who didn’t get upset even though there were repeated problems with his order.

Rudeness to service staff reveals information about a person’s character reported in a recent article in USA Today. Office Depot CEO Steve Odland, who also waited tables as a teenager, states, “You can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she treats a waiter.? It seems that he is not the only CEO to discover the “Waiter Rule.?
The Waiter Rule has been identified by many executives, including Raytheon CEO Bill Swanson. There is one rule that Swanson says never fails: “A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, or to others, is not a nice person.? Swanson first identified this phenomenon when he was eating with a man who became irate to a waiter because the restaurant did not stock a particular wine.

“Watch out for people who have a situational value system, who can turn the charm on and off depending on the status of the person they are interacting with,?Swanson writes. “Be especially wary of those who are rude to people perceived to be in subordinate roles.?
The Waiter Rule has also been noticed on the dating scene. A November survey of
2,500 by It’s Just Lunch, a dating service for professionals, found that being rude to waiters ranks No. 1 as the worst in dining etiquette. Some waiters report that women will actually pull them aside to see how much their dates tipped to obtain insight into his use of money and other tendencies.

The Waiter Rule can also apply to how people treat those in other service roles like bellmen, hotel maids, clerks and secretaries according to USA Today. This can be more indicative of someone’s character than all the charm you experience in the relationship.

Using the Waiter Rule can be an accurate predictor of character because it isn’t easily learned or unlearned. It is more likely a person’s true colors and speaks to how they were raised and their value system. How a potential partner treats a waiter may be how they will treat you.

Some behaviors that indicate a problem:

*Playing the power card. Comments like “I could buy this place,?or “Do you know who I am??reveal more about the diner’s character than his wealth or power. It is unlikely that he will be compassionate to you if he is consumed with power and control.

*Having a short fuse. This person may have an ego that is out of control. It is a way of saying that she is better than the wait staff; she is special. These people tend not to be collaborative in relationships.

*Demanding about every detail. You may be looking at a micro-manager who consistently sends the message that your efforts are not good enough. He may be critical and demeaning rather than supportive and encouraging.

*Speaking in a condescending manner. The message here is clear; she thinks she is better than those in subordinate positions. She may have a need to feel important by putting others down.

*Making a public scene. If he embarrasses you in the restaurant, he will embarrass you at home. At best he has poor manners, at worst, his judgment is faulty. Either way, he will not make a good partner.

*Easily turning on and off the charm. These folks have situational values, which may also indicate situational ethics. People with firm character adhere to their value system regardless of the circumstances. Avoid these people like the plague.

*Constantly looking around the room. Rather than being focused on the table conversation, he is distracted and not engaged. He may be looking to see who else is there or whether he is being noticed. Regardless, he will have the same behavior with you in other settings.

*Poor tipper. She may justify leaving a poor tip with various complaints about the service or the waiter. Anyone who has ever worked in a service industry knows that it is very hard work with a low base pay. If the service is adequate, a 15% tip is customary. A twenty percent or more gratitude is standard for exceptional service.

Try using the Waiter Rule whether you are evaluating a partner in a relationship. You may save yourself a lot of future problems by dining out.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, April 25, 2013 7:22 am

456

If you are after 40, relationship advice can come as a real breath of fresh air to you or your relationship.

marriage advice, marriage guidance, marriage counselling

If you are after 40, relationship advice can come as a real breath of fresh air to you or your relationship. It’s very easy to get stuck into routines and patterns of behaviour that are damaging your marriage or relationship, and sometimes even the simplest of advice can make you see things in a different light. Check out the rest of this article for some tips to help you.

After 40 Relationship Advice 1
Remember why you are together-if your relationship has lasted a long time, there must be a reason. What were the reasons you got together in the first place? Figure out what they were and try to recreate them. Often in life we get so caught up in habits and routines that we lose sight of our actual reasons for doing things. If you can stay true to these reasons you can stay true to each other.

After 40 Relationship Advice 2
Speak to each other. Communication is the key to any happy marriage or relationship. And no, everyday “necessity?conversation doesn’t count. Asking your partner to move their car or wash up the breakfast things doesn’t count. I mean conversation for conversation’s sake. Sit down with your partner and ask them about their day. Take an interest in their life. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when you do. You may find that your partner is suddenly more interested in you.

After 40 Relationship Advice 3
Spend quality time together. An hour per night stuck in front of American Idol together doesn’t count. Find some real quality time. Maybe find an activity or hobby you are both interested in and start it together. Even if you can’t find anything, you should still strive to spend some good time together away from the habits of the home, even it means just taking walks together or something.

After 40 Relationship Advice 4
Don’t bottle things up. If you have a problem, tell your partner. There’s no gain in leaving things, in fact the problems are more likely to get worse as time goes by, especially if it’s something that concerns both of you. Opening up to your partner in this way is a great way to develop trust between you both as well.

After 40 Relationship Advice 5
Have respect for your partner. It’s hard to be kind and loyal to someone whom you have no respect for. You can show that you respect them by listening to them when they speak, and refraining from being critical about them. Criticism, although often meant well, can often get under the person’s skin and cause them to resent and distrust you.

I’m hoping that this after 40 relationship advice will help you out and get your relationship back on track. Check out the links below for some more great help.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, April 22, 2013 8:11 pm

572

If you are having problems with your long term relationship, advice can really help.

marriage advice, marriage guidance, marriage counselling

If you are having problems with your long term relationship, advice can really help. Being in a relationship sometimes means you can’t see the woods for the trees, so some outside input can really help you see things in a new perspective. Check out this article for 5 golden pieces of advice.

Long Term Relationship Advice 1
Learn to communicate again. By far the most common cause of problems with any long term relationship is lack of communication, or lack of appropriate communication. Everyday life tends to blunt our communication skills, and before we know what’s happened we spend more time looking at the TV than we do looking at and speaking to our partners. You can fix this by setting aside some time to talk everyday, even if it’s just sharing whatever happened in your day. A great tip to get this going is to have a “No TV During Dinner?rule.

Long Term Relationship Advice 2
Arrange some quality time with each other. Again, everyday life can often force us into a life of routine, and sometimes our partners can become part of that routine. You can break this habit by starting something out of the ordinary. Find a hobby for you both to take part in and do it together. If you can’t find anything you both want to do it can be something as basic as just taking walks together-the key is just to spend time together outside of the confines of your usual relationship.

Long Term Relationship Advice 3
Remember why you love your partner. When things become stale and routine, it’s very easy to begin to see your partner as something other than a partner, just someone who lives with you, like a housemate or whatever. This is not a good place for your relationship to be, so if you feel like this sometimes, take a moment to remember what it is about your partner that you love. If you can remember what brought you together, you can make sure you do things which involve or bring out those qualities in each other.

Long Term Relationship Advice 4
Show your partner that you respect them. In a long term relationship, respect is one of the hardest things to get back once it has gone, so it’s always worthwhile to show your partner that you respect them. You can show your respect by trying not to be critical about them and their ideas, and always making a point of listening when they speak to you. After a while you’ll find that your partner will begin to do the same for you, and you will develop a better understanding of each other as a result.

Long Term Relationship Advice 5
Let it out. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, but I think it’s even moreso when you are in a long term relationship. If you do have something that’s bothering you, even if it directly concerns your partner, you are best of speaking about it with them. You’ll usually find that if you don’t tell them, things will get a little worse and a little harder for each day that passes. Plus, when you talk things over and resolve them in an open and direct fashion, you make your relationship stronger.

Long term relationship advice really can fix most problems before they get to be a big deal. Check out the links below to get some of the best advice around.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, April 20, 2013 9:38 am

473

Has your spouse had an affair? Then this is a “must-read.” The author reveals little-known mistakes betrayed spouses make when trying to restore a marriage after learning that their partner has cheated.

counseling marriage therapist therapists counselor psychologist adultery adulterous therapy affair commit survive re-commit save betray betrayal betrayed cheat survive fear disrupt psychotherapy “marriage c

In order to restore a relationship after your spouse has had an affair you may try the ploy:

“But I’ve changed, I’m a different person.”

And your behavior may have actually changed – some of the time.
You mistakenly may continue to accommodate in different ways or change your behavior to fit your perception of what he/she wants.

Here are some problems with this strategy:

You, most likely, have not changed at all but, rather, are in a
reactive mode by responding to your difficult situation by “grabbing at straws.” There is nothing really wrong with this. However, these changes usually lack staying power because they are born out of
reactivity.

You and your spouse both know it. Chances are that you will regress to your usual patterns as soon as the heat’s off; your spouse intuitively knows this. He/she, most likely, thinks: “This will never last;” then becomes very suspicious.

Also, your changes may be seen by your spouse as your attempt to manipulate him/her. He/she may perceive your changes as a Sneaky strategy to get him/her to re-commit.

Your spouse may start feeling “cornered” and will most likely resent them, even though they are what he/she has been demanding throughout your marriage. Then even more alienation may emerge.

In this scenario you will lose respect and your spouse will not believe you or even know what to believe ABOUT you. By this time, s/he is very confused about what s/he wants and by trying on altered behaviors, you only add to that confused feeling. You become CONFUSING.

People don’t want others trying to placate them. And if that is not true of your spouse as well, you may have to re-evaluate his/her fitness to be a mate.

Generally, spouses don’t respect the placation strategy because there doesn’t appear to be any “backbone.” There doesn’t appear to be any core self.

That is not very attractive.

The spouse often says something like: If you really can change so
easily now, why didn’t you change when I wanted you to years ago?

I’m afraid it’s too late now.

Sadness or resentment often emerges at this point when s/he encounters
your new behavior, thinking about what might have been, but
is no longer “possible.” Also, spouses having affairs often blame them on the betrayed spouse and/or bad marriage … don’t buy into it. Where circumstances and others can influence what we do, they don’t control it. Both spouses must take responsibility for their own behavior, right or wrong!

The best approach is to calmly re-commit yourselves to staying married within a framework of both of you assuming a fair share of your own responsibility for the problems and the solution. If that cannot be done independently it should be done through marriage counseling.

Copyright, Shery, 2006

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, April 17, 2013 10:01 pm

266

Too often well meaning marriage counselors do not actually help couples. Find the tools you need with Barbara Bartlein’s 12.5 Step Program.

marriage, counseling, relationships, commitment, therapy

People want to get married and stay married. In fact, according to a study by Family Service of America, more than 70% of adult Americans believe that “marriage is a lifelong commitment.? Interestingly, even 81% of divorced and separated Americans still believe marriage should be for life. Yet, over half of marriages end in divorce.

Too often, even those couples seeking professional help do not receive the tools they need. As divorce became more socially accepted in the 1970′s and 1980′s, many therapists actual assist in marriage suicide by viewing divorce as a life style option or as a pathway to personal growth. Though well meaning, too often they advise clients to get a divorce stating without full knowledge of the enormous consequences of divorce. At best, they take a “marriage neutral?attitude of “what ever makes you happy,?without knowledge of the current research on happiness.

Studies on divorce and happiness demonstrate that many divorced persons are actually less happy five years after the divorce. Couples you worked through their problems and avoided divorce tend to have higher levels of happiness after five years.

So why don’t couples work harder to make their marriages work? Because they don’t have the tools.

Barbara Bartlein, clinical psychotherapist and author of “Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage,” has developed a program to improve your relationship. You learn:

*How therapists doom marriages
*Why marriages are failing
*The #1 Myth that sabotages marital success
*Tools that assist clients in building trust and commitment
*Strategies to build long term relationships

For more information, please visit: http://www.101marriagecounseling.com

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, April 15, 2013 11:22 am

312

Work stress plays a very major role in hurting married life. Most of the men and women bring their stress home and play havoc with their married life.

Work stress plays a very major role in hurting married life. Most of the men and women bring their stress home and play havoc with their married life. The stress spills over at home and creates further stress. Home should be used to dissolve the work stress. Home should be the place to relax and get comfort. Home should be the place where we get rid of the stress that we bring from outside. But opposite happens. Let us discuss how to avoid this and keep our home protected from any such stresses. Let us also discuss how home can help us fight these stresses.

The very first question should be – What is more important? Married life or work life? New work /job can be found, but getting another person to marry will be difficult. What about after retirement? Who will be with us- our spouse or our company? We never think about these issues. For us the stress at that moment is the center of our life. Our mind is occupied with that stress. Therefore when we reach home, we are ready to speak harshly, blame family members, showing irritation and express our frustration in many other ways.

Ideally, when we reach home, we should tell our spouse about the stress and ask help to get over it. He/she will find ways to comfort us. Prepare a comforting hot bath, putting on light music or your favorite television show. We should make our family a partner in our stress and not blame them for contributing to our work woes, because that is generally not the truth. A marriage can be a great cure for stressed life. It is not the place where you go and put all your blames. Bringing balance in life is most important. Make your marriage work for you. Don’t let your work damage your marriage.

Comments (0)

By Marriage Consultant, April 13, 2013 12:32 am

564

Have you ever fallen in love? Do you wish that the person you are with right now is the same person who will share the rest of your life with? Is there a reason a person to be in love?

Everybody wants to love and be loved in return. Falling in love is one of the best feelings ever to feel by an individual. When in love, a person has all the reasons to smile and be happy.

But sometime love is misunderstood. Most people think that love is merely an emotion. That it is som…

Have you ever fallen in love? Do you wish that the person you are with right now is the same person who will share the rest of your life with? Is there a reason a person to be in love?

Everybody wants to love and be loved in return. Falling in love is one of the best feelings ever to feel by an individual. When in love, a person has all the reasons to smile and be happy.

But sometime love is misunderstood. Most people think that love is merely an emotion. That it is something that you feel. Yes love gives you an emotion but you can not feel it. In marriage, it something that fades when time passes by.

Love is how you decide to act and treat someone on a particular way. It is more on the actions you intend to show than you feel. Love is the promise and the vow you and your partner had made on your wedding. It is a pledge, a security.

This is the reason why you promised to love and cherish each for all eternity. You both did not promise to feel a certain way. Instead, the promise and the vow was made and sealed for better or for worst.

? Is love really important in marriage?

Definitely it is important! It is because feelings usually rise and fall, come and go. There may be times that you are upset or you have hurt the person you love. Instances like this may happen, but it does not mean you have to give up easily. Actually, this is the best time that love calls for your attention.

Because you love your partner, chances are you will learn to forgive, mend, encourage, cherish and improve your marriage into the better. It is not that everything will always be easy and simple. There will be times that those good feeling is just around the corner and sometimes they are left unrecognized. However, your continuous commitment to love as you have promised will make sure that the feeling will come up always.

Love must be a commitment. Most marriages failed because one of the couple falls in love to someone else. This is because of what people call the “feelings?and lust. The feelings will always change.

Making a comparison between your spouse and the other person is not right. It actually leads your attention out of your partner. Once this happen, it would be very easy to look for third party and destroy your marriage relationship. It will be easier for you to set aside your commitment and your promise to your marriage.

Therefore it is necessary to keep love in mind always. Do not forget the commitment you have for your partner. This is important since you two can help each other face difficult trials and solve problems the natural way.

It is actually your decision to love your partner that will help you get through. When you and your partner remember the promise of love and be together through thick and thin then, the marriage is secure. Without the commitment, the marriage will be weak to endure the problems that are unavoidably to come.

Lastly, keep in mind, love is not merely a feeling. It is a decision to make and to perform a certain way with the person you choose marry and be with forever.